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i just found this email i wrote hannah october 4th, 2006: six days before i dropped out of school. i love this email. it was at the PEAK of my sickness at school, and it is the most clear i have maybe ever been about that time. note the breakup suggestion! and the already knowing that the past wasn't perfect!
the subject line of the email was "start on the inside and work your way out."
i need to give myself some more goddamn credit.
the subject line of the email was "start on the inside and work your way out."
damn insomnia...i sort of got into this schedule of waking up about an hour before my alarm, but i (this is out of the ordinary) could go back to sleep. now i wake up like half an hour early, and can never sleep. guh. plus it takes me literally hours to fall asleep. never less than one hour, often two or three.
i made my counseling appointment today. please don't be worried about me, i just think...something needs to change around here. ben and i should probably break up. i feel like i'm fighting this battle that will get as far as next semester, and then dissolve. i cannot imagine him wanting to be together while we're abroad. and that's fine, i don't know what kind of relationship we'd have just emailing sporadically, because who knows when i'll have a computer. and i'm so disconnected from everything, i just don't know what i'm fighting for anymore. on the phone i told the therapist i was probably depressed and having some kind of anxiety problem, and just saying the words made me cry. it's going to be a drippy first meeting, to say the least.
i'm not in danger, i have no desire to hurt myself. don't be worried. i'm in a bad place, and i will get out of it. i just need to do some shuffling, perhaps of a serious nature, to get there.
if you're like me, you'll move in obsessions through "begin to hope." tell me if you click with "on the radio." that one i literally listened to about 1400 times this summer. you know something that makes me feel better? i look at my lj from this summer, and i was sad then too. i mean, that's not a good thing, but it does make me feel better knowing that i wasn't like perfect then either. i keep thinking this summer was THE IDEAL perfect happy lovey time, but most, in fact, of my entries have this weird itchy-in-my-skin what-am-i-doing-here feeling. it helps knowing this ideal does not exist. it was a good summer, but i keep telling myself being with ben will solve a lot of my problems and it didn't this summer, despite what i now tell myself. which is good. i haven't told myself he's not the root of everything in a long time. it's time to start doing that again.
I LOVE YOU. there are some relationships that don't go away. thank you for that, my hannahdo.
~k
i need to give myself some more goddamn credit.
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